Growing up, people would walk up to me in elementary school with an imaginary microphone and ask: "What does it feel like to be a twin?"
And my answer was always the same:
I get why people are so curious. When you think about it, having a twin is kind of wild. You and another human being are going through so many of the same formative experiences at the exact same time. Same schools, same summers, same random Tuesday afternoons.
One might ask: well, how is it any different from having a sibling? And there’s just something that’s different about it when you’re in the same grade as your sibling, surrounded by the same social circles and going through every phase of life at the exact same time.
It shapes you in ways you don’t even realize until later in life. Allie and I literally think the same way because of it. There are times we’ll be mid-conversation, make eye contact, and just know that we’re thinking about the same obscure childhood memory.
And then there’s the practical side of it. For example, being a teenage girl was hard. There was always some level of friend drama or exclusion (especially in middle school), but being twins seemed to shield us from so much of that.
We could opt out of things together and never really feel left out because we always had each other. We shared a room until our parents built an addition onto the house, and even after I had my own room, I’d still choose to sleep in hers occasionally.
When we decided to go to the same college, I think a lot of people assumed it would make us even more attached. But that’s actually when things started to change. The comfort of always having the other nearby gave us the freedom to branch out.
We chose different majors and different extracurriculars. We were part of the same general social circle on campus, but for the first time, we each made friends in our own “worlds.” We were aware of each other’s “people,” but they were distinctly our own.
After college came New York City, where we lived together again (shocker, I know) for the first couple of years until I moved in with my husband, Michael. That was the first time I’d ever truly lived apart from Allie, and it was a bigger deal than I expected. (I wrote about it in a past newsletter.)
From there, our lives started diverging more and more. I got married. Started having kids. For a while, we were operating in very really different realities.
And now, we’re starting to sync back up again. She recently moved to my town… and she’s having a baby in May!
So if you held that imaginary microphone up to me today and asked, “What does it feel like to be a twin?” I’d say: “It feels full circle.”
Season two of the Fink sisters starts now. If you’re interested in hearing a deeper dive on this topic, follow The Real Stuff on Apple, Spotify, or YouTube. I recorded an entire episode about this, and it’s dropping next Tuesday!
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
This past week on The Real Stuff, I sat down with an audience caller who shared something she had never told another living soul, until now.
Emily (not her real name) called in to talk about her husband's sexual kinks, which on the surface sound like the setup to a joke: a chicken coop, a homemade sensory deprivation box, snowsuits with padlocks, and a two-story garage that she described to me as looking "like a torture chamber.” But as the conversation unfolded, it took a turn I genuinely wasn't expecting, and I think you'll hear it in my voice.
The episode covers a lot of ground, but here's a taste:
On how it all started: Emily and her husband have been together for about 15 years. Early on, he revealed that a former partner had introduced him to bondage, isolation, restraints, and being locked up and left alone. "He likes to be locked in there, be put on a cot, restrained down," Emily explained. Her initial reaction was complicated: "Why can't I be good enough by myself? Why do you need all of these bells and whistles?"
On the panic attack that changed everything: One of the most jarring moments in their early relationship came when her husband had a full-on panic attack while restrained, and Emily came home to find him on the floor, having physically ripped through metal chains to get free. "That was really hard for me," she said. "Quite traumatic." It put everything on pause for nearly a year.
On carrying this completely alone: Emily said she can’t tell her therapist because her husband goes to the same practice. She hasn’t told any friends and she's relied almost entirely on internet research. "I've had to resort to internet help, which isn't super helpful," she said. And when she's brought up seeing a sex therapist, it hasn't been received well. "He holds a lot of embarrassment around this," she told me, and suspects it's rooted in a genuinely traumatic childhood.
On where it gets harder to brush off: This is where I shared my honest take, even though she didn't ask for it. The kinks themselves aren't what concerned me. It's the secrecy, the inability to get outside support, and the sheer amount of time and mental energy this takes up in her life. On weekends, her husband has asked to be locked up for entire days at a time. "I need a co-parent in the house," she said. "I'm a married single mom. That's not really fair."
On what she's taking away from the conversation: By the end, Emily felt clear on one thing: "I need to go to a sex therapist. Feel free to come, feel free to not come, but I need help." I was really moved by her willingness to get there.
This episode is raw and heavy, but Emily is thoughtful, self-aware, and so clearly doing her best in a situation that would feel isolating for anyone. And she specifically asked to hear from listeners, so if any of this resonates with you, reach out to us at [email protected], and we'll connect you directly.
You can listen to the full episode of The Real Stuff on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or watch on YouTube.
BE MY NEXT GUEST
A couple of times a month, instead of a celebrity guest, I’m handing the mic to YOU. I’m inviting members of my audience (anonymously if you’d prefer) to join the show and talk about ALL the real stuff: sex, money, mental health, and everything in between. If you’re ready for a deeply personal conversation on a public platform or have a wild life story to share, apply here.
WHAT YOU SAID
Last week, I asked if you feel close to your siblings as adults and here’s what you said:
About 40% of you said very close, and the rest landed somewhere across friendly, complicated, only children, and not close at all. I’m not going to pretend I know everyone’s family dynamics, and these relationships are not always easy. But after writing about (and reflecting on) my relationship with my sister this week, all I want to say is: if you have the chance to close that gap, take it. 🤍
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Apologies in advance, but after this week’s podcast episode, I have to know!
When it comes to your sex life, which feels most true?
The results will appear immediately after you vote! Check next week's issue for the final numbers.
UNTIL NEXT TIME
From twin sisters to sex dungeons, today's issue certainly had range. But that's also exactly what I love about this community. Thanks for being here and for listening to every single one of the stories I have to share.
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